Good morning and Welcome! to my morning The Balance of Ma’at daily reading, or at least as daily as I feel like it. I’m really not in the mood for this this morning, but I am in the space for it: it is important to distinguish the two; you can be “ugly” & “grumpy,” but you can still be in a heightened place to read the cards. Funny how that works; of course, it is reflected in the cards, but so are other things. Other sometime true things you don’t really want to look at, but your discomfort has brought them floating to the surface, like turds in a punch bowl. Today I am suffering from insomnia, that’s all, but it makes me grumpy; it isn’t as if I haven’t spent more than a few “nuits blanches,” but when you want to sleep because your body is uncomfortable, then the white turns a bit gritty & grimy. Well, on with it. Today my Hear card is the 5 of Wands, in a deck (*Shapeshifter Tarot* by Hunt, Conway & Knight; 81 card deck; a Pagan deck, thus Goddesses heads the suits, not Kings; Elements are assigned differently) which accompanies its “Struggle” card as a wolf & dove? In the cold wastes, a ¼ moon over head and trudging through the night. Yep, that’s me right now, and how my Heart feels. Not that I’ve abandoned my Greater Purpose, it’s just that my body is miserable tonight, and the card shows it. I can live with that; I don’t like it, but I can live with it. What is the 5 of Wands, call it Air or Fire, which SHOULD be significant to me other than my temporary physical concerns? “It is Geburah through Fire (or Air, in this deck :) Astrologically, it is Saturn in the 1st decan of Leo. And, like all Fives, the Five of Wands stands for Geburah - motion and changing and the powers of destruction - and 5 is the number that breaks the stability and structure of the Four.” (Raven) Okay, I get it; I set up temporary stability and structure in the clinic to recuperate, and no matter that there’s no place like home, I broke the one to move (back) to the other. Now I have to make HERE my “Four” again. I get it, I get it. It’s hard to concentrate on the good works one wants to accomplish in the Heart when the body is hurting; but my heart is still large enough to take my problems with a pound of salt and get on with it. There’s really nothing else to do, is there? And for all intents and purposes, my Heart is full of love tonight, not for just an understanding wife, but full of Love because earlier I was crying for all the Pain if feel around me, not in me, the pain of others, of the World, of men and women trapped in the Illusion and full of Despair. Some random cruelty I witnessed on the news had sped to my Heart & found an opening. I cry easily now, after a lifetime of being a Hardass. Pain springs upon me from others, and rather than rebuff I open and accept and try to heal. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that I was crazy, but I DO know better. This is where being a hardass led me; to having the strength to do this, a kind of automatic empathy that is SO fucking hard & devastating but SO healing and releasing of the Spirit. So, Mr. Soft Touch, where does this take you? Eh? Well, if I’m to believe the cards, my Feather of Truth today is III the Mother. Look at Her, Queen of the Cosmos and Lady of the Light; this isn’t Mother Nature that has been depicted here as much as the Queen, the Goddess, “She.” Venus in Taurus, she stands for fertility and growth with Earth ruling Taurus. She is the axis between Chokmah and Binah. “She is pure feeling, absolutely unintellectual, but basically life. The Empress is the Great Mother, representing the beginning of all life. She is the power of nature, causing change, renewal, major plans.” (Raven) I like that. I like that during this 5 of Wands struggle, I should look at the shining Truth of the day, the Goddess looking at me, in me, through me, and even while healing me using me. (Now you see? That makes me tear up, too!) I think one reason I become so emotional about the Goddess now is that I denied her for so long any role in my life, or at least one of which I cared to be cognizant. I have made some amazing “male” discoveries about myself lately, some of which I really dislike, and I am sure She has a hand in opening my eyes. (I’m working on erasing those old programs; they are deep-rooted and take more than one application of Light.) I have a little Tarot routine/ritual I do every morning before I read the cards; I think I need to make an addition of particular mention of thanks to the Goddess, I think she might like that. Well, enough waxing future-nostalgic, I’m feeling MUCH better just contemplating her incomparable beauty and Grace for being in my life. So, instead of using more of my words, I will give way to an ancient Hymn to Isis, reconstituted from Nag Hammadi fragments:
I am the Beginning and the End.
I am honored and scorned.
I am the prostitute and the saint.
I am married and a maiden.
I am the mother and the daughter.
I am the limbs of my mother.
I am barren
and my children are many.
I am she who married magnificently,
and I have no husband.
I am the one who brings children and I do
not bear children.
I am the consolation of labor pains.
I am the bride and the bridegroom,
and my husband brought me forth.
I am my father’s mother
and my husband’s sister,
and he is my child.
I am the incomprehensible silence
and the idea often brought to mind.
I am the voice sounding throughout the world
and the word appearing everywhere.
I am the sounding of my name,
For I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and bravery.
I am without shame; I am full of shame.
I am power and I am trepidation.
I am conflict and peace.
Listen to me,
For I am the scandalous and magnificent one.